2012 Reflection

I think the fact that 2012 was an all time personal best for me has been made quite clear. To be honest it’s going to take a lot for another year to top it - but here’s to trying!

Amidst all the triumphant and joyous events, I did have a few not so shining moments. I feel the need to mention it now because as I reflected on everything, I realized that it hadn’t occurred to me what was going on until that moment of reflection.

I touched briefly in a earlier post about how I was ready to jump to the next thing on my checklist instead of basking in the moment. I attribute my premature cessation of breastfeeding as a direct result of my unsettled mentality.

The thing is I counted the big events as huge triumphs in my life but I did not necessarily see how much it all affected me until now. Prior to moving, we’d lived in our home for 3 years. It was a starter home but definitely very cozy. We made that place home and it felt like it. I wasn’t necessarily heartbroken to leave the house but I do feel that had I brought my baby home to that home I would have benefited from the feeling of being settled. I say that because though I was happy to move and living with my mother was a huge help, I didn’t feel settled. I was anxious about the what, when, and where of our new house. I was overly concerned about trying to get that settled feeling back. I think that contributed to what I will call my lack of due diligence in breast feeding.

Breastfeeding was relatively easy for me, it wasn’t necessarily my favorite thing to do but I enjoyed that I was able to do it and I knew my baby was getting vital nutrients. That’s all I really cared about. However, some days I felt extremely isolated. Again I attribute that to not being settled in our own home. If I was in my home with my things organized the way I wanted them where I wanted them, having to whip out the boob in the middle of the living room would not have felt so awkward. I did it any way at my mom’s house and it wasn't uncomfortable per se, but it wasn’t always the most comfortable thing for me.

Well the real issue came when my baby started to teeth early. I was an early teether so I was  not shocked to find out my baby was too. However, when the teething mania started at 4 weeks old, I wasn’t necessarily prepared. In the early stages the breast soothed her and it wasn’t an issue. By three months just before the bottom teeth finally cut through we started to have some serious issues. Ava started to refuse the boob. She would scream, kick, and pull her hair. She would lay in bed and thrash about. I had no idea what to do. She refused to even look at the boob. I thought it was bizarre, as it seemed it happened over night. So I started to pump for all of her meals. Once she started using the bottle she definitely did not want anything to do with the breast.

For a while I missed her nightly feedings where she would fall into a deep breast milk induced slumber. The bottle didn’t seem to have the same effect. She would be full but wide awake. Everything I read in her age range didn’t give me any solutions. So I just gave up. I figured if she wanted the breast she’d take it. I pumped for a few weeks but my supply quickly dwindled. After the small supply I had stored in the fridge was finished she was strictly a formula fed baby. I can’t say that I was happy about it, but a part of me did feel a sense of relief ONLY because now my husband would finally be able to actively assist me with more than diaper changes. Once the formula started there was definitely a difference in her. She became hard to soothe, we dealt with constipation, and probably more troubling of all she developed eczema. She may have already been predestined to have sensitive skin but I just felt like had I continued with breast feeding it would not have developed.

Any way I blame all this on my inability to live in the moment and appreciate what I had as opposed to fixating on what I didn’t. Had I spent less time researching employers, builders, furniture stores, etc.; I would have had more time to research my baby’s issue and I would’ve found out that babies that are teething often refuse the breast because it hurts their gums and their mouths. This can be alleviated by massaging the breast prior to feeding to aid in the flow of the milk. The massage is supposed to alleviate the need for the baby to forcefully suck to bring the milk down. Now I know but unfortunately it’s too late.

I don’t beat myself up over it as much as I used to but hindsight is 20/20 and reflection is good for the soul.

Just thought I’d share.

Holidays Update

This has been a very busy holiday season. Trying to get the house ready to host Christmas and just trying to get it ready in general proved to be a lot of work. In the end it was worth it. I was very happy with the way it turned it. We had a wonderful Christmas. It was so exciting to be able to celebrate with our little elf in our own home. She had no idea what was going on but she was entertain none the less. This was also our first holiday in our home ever. That was very nice as well. My in-laws spent the holidays with us so it was nice to have both families there.

Probably the most amazing thing was my Dad coming home from the Middle East and meeting my daughter for the first time after Christmas. It’s one of those moments that your really can’t put into words. We both waited 6 months for that moment and it was truly priceless. My Dad was so excited.

So it was an all around blessed holiday. Ava received entirely too many gifts. For a while I was able to escape the “I have a child” living room disaster; not any more.

Any way...

Happy New Year!

I am truly sad to see 2012 go. It has been the most amazingly blessed year of my life. I cannot put into words how absolutely blessed I feel for all that happened. As I look ahead to 2013 I can only pray that God’s mercy and grace continue to be upon us in the new year. 2012 was the year of significant personal growth. I feel like it was the end of a significant chapter in our lives. 2012 marked the ascension from our lives as students and a couple in the family stratosphere. It’s a major feeling because the majority of our relationship we were both in school and just living a very free style type life. It was fun. Now we are truly a family. We feel settled. So much of time before was spent looking a head. Anxious for this feeling we have right now. It’s truly incredible and all by God’s grace. Most of the time I don’t like to talk much about the things we have or do because of not wanting to appear boastful or braggart, but right now I really just feel the need to acknowledge that God is, has been, and will continue to be GOOD. It’s not about the material things, it’s about this feeling that I have in my heart every time I walk through the door and see my two loves’ faces. It’s the feeling of security that I have knowing the God is in charge of my life. It’s such an overwhelming feeling that I’m often moved to tears. It’s a feeling that is hard to understand until you feel it for yourself. I’ve heard it described before but now I realize exactly what is meant by JOY.

I look to 2013 to be the year of professional growth. I hope to achieve some major personal and professional goals. My family with continue to be the center of my life and God will continue to be the head of my life. For once I am not looking to make any major changes just continue to improve on myself, my relationships with others, and my commitment to my health and wellness. I also want 2013 to be a year that I spend some time taking care of myself. Making sure I feel great and I am in the best condition to be the best that I can be.

Happy New Year friends. I love you all and I pray your 2013 will be full of blessings!

Current Events

I had been thinking about this post for a while. I wanted to write about myself and what I’m doing. I realize that most of my posts lately have been about my baby or my husband and not so much me. It was also recently brought to my attention that perhaps I am not doing enough to show the balance in my life. Afraid that I may be presenting a lopsided depiction of my life, I feel I do need to talk about the day to day in my world.

Most of my readers know that I am career driven but I also greatly value my family and friends. Since graduating from law school I really haven’t updated much on my professional life. Personally, I still see this time of some what of an extended maternity leave. Since moving to the area I have been pounding the pavement (more like the internet) trying to establish professional contacts.

I WORK.

Yes I have a job.

It’s nothing to write about as it is a part time gig that allows me to get out of the house and establish more connections. I enjoy going to work. I like dressing up and having some place to go and something to do that is not domestic in nature. Here’s the thing: I love taking care of my family but I HAVE TO WORK. Not to sustain us financially, but to sustain my sanity. I chose to go to work because I needed to flex my brain. Taking care of my baby was hard work and required time, effort, and patience; but it was not necessarily cerebral. Coming from law school where I was constantly reading, writing, and analyzing – I could slowly feel my brain begin to lose its muscle tone. Thankfully my childhood friend knew of an opening at her job with part time hours and asked me to apply.

Now the thought of working was fine and good but actually working and leaving Ava scared me. I was sad the first day I left her, but thankfully I am able to leave her with my mom and I know she is in excellent hands. It’s nice because she never cries when I leave.

I am currently waiting to hear back from what I believe to be my dream job. This is a job that has my name written all over it and I just pray that I am selected. It has been a long process but I am waiting patiently. Once I get that job EVERYONE will know! Until then I enjoy what I have going right now. This job has a lot of upward mobility so I really cannot lose.

The best part of this job is that it has allowed me to ease my way into the working world as a wife and mother. I work from 1 to 6 pm so my morning consists of getting my self together while Ava sleeps. I try to exercise, pray, and get ready before she wakes up. It doesn’t always happen but I try. If she does wake up I usually put the TV on Sprout and that occupies her while I get dressed or do what I have to do. I then get her dressed, pack her bag and get ready to go. Some more mornings we have more time to play than others. In the afternoon I get home around 6:30. Usually I start dinner or my husband will cook. We wash dishes, bathe the baby and get ready for bed. We are starting to get in our rhythm and its not bad at all. I feel like I have adequate time with my husband and my baby during the week and then we have our weekends to look forward to.

I wish I had it in me to be content staying home in all honesty. Prior to having a baby the thought of being a stay at home mom made me cringe. I used to say never, ever. Now I realize it's important to see the value in people's personal decisions regarding their family. I admire stay at moms just as much as working moms because I know what it takes.

 

Reunion Update

We had an absolute blast at my husband’s reunion. People were over joyed to see him. To be honest if I hadn’t witnessed it myself, I would never believe how much attention that guy got. It was literally as if he was a celebrity. It was funny because though he would never admit it; I think he was a little nervous that he wouldn’t remember people and what not. It’s hard to gauge how people will receive you after so many years. Thankfully and most amazingly it was almost as if he was high school all over again. I was just waiting for some one to hoist him up on their shoulders. Ha.

Due  to the fact that at any given time there were swarms of people around him, I had to entertain myself. At some point during the night I decided that I could either sit around, pout, and long for my husband’s attention, or I could enjoy myself. Everyone was super nice to me, due to my association and I had a great time. I enjoyed seeing my husband reconnect with his childhood friends. I knew that if my husband looked up and saw me shrinking in a corner, he would not have a good time. I figured there was food, drinks, and music – what more does a girl need? I spoke with other spouses, other attorneys, and just anyone willing to talk. I danced. I had fun.

As a military kid I was actually in awe at how everyone knew everyone and their families. There were pictures of these together since kindergarten. It was really cool to me.  

So that’s how it went. Not too shabby.

I Married the Prom King...

Oh yea and the Homecoming King.

Yes, yes.

So my husband’s high school reunion is this weekend and I am ready! I am more excited about his than I was my own. I like different environments and different people. Unlike many people, I buy into the hype of these events. I want to see who’s who and how they are doing and listen to the success and failure stories. It’s fun for me. So this weekend I am looking forward to smiling and laughing with people I don’t know, reminiscing about times at a school I did not attend, wondering WTF happened to people I don’t even know.

Yes, it will be fun.

I guess because there is no pressure for me. I just have to show up, smile, and be likable. Assist my husband in proving he avoided the seemingly unavoidable fate of most popular kids in high school. Y’all know what I’m talking about. I’m kidding, but only slightly. I was well known and liked in high school as well, but unlike my husband I wasn’t a star athlete, nor prom and homecoming queen. However, so there’s no confusion I was on homecoming court, who won doesn’t matter any more, right? HAHA.

These are all things that have no significance or bearing on our present lives but it’s something we like to joke about. For my husband it makes him a little embarrassed more than anything. He doesn’t like for me to tell people his high school accolades. College and beyond are fair game though. Needless to say our little love Ava has a lot to live up too. I’m kidding, but again only slightly. 

All jokes aside, we don’t get out much so this is it for me. This an event and I will not miss it! I plan on looking snazzy and enjoying myself! I think my husband is looking forward to catching up with old friends. He lived in the same house his whole life so these people are more than just high school acquaintences; they are life long friends. So I am really excited for my husband to be home.